ok, so there is no way to catch you up on the drama of the last few months in 6 words unless they are. my life is a total shitshow. ok wow, guess I can.
That’s not totally true, though. One thing is going right- my career! Finally after a year of working 60 hours a week for less than minimum wage I was offered a fabby job doing exactly what i love. And then when I was working our a two week notice- i got offered another fabby job! Then there was a counter offer. I was like, holla! Don’t be fightin’ there’s enough of lil ‘ole me to go around- actually there isn’t- and that brings us to the “I am a walking trainwreck” portion of this long a** post.
#1. Last time I talked to y’all I was single and travelling to DC for a wedding. Well, the wedding was lovely, and the weekend crashing with my college crush would have been perfectly fun and only slightly naughty but… Home boy had a girlfriend and totally lied about it and told me they broke up. ME = homewrecker.
#2. So I ran into the PB a few times over the summer, and things had been a little rocky with ears (I can’t take the mixed signals boys, they confuse me!) so one night when Ears wouldn’t come out and PB called. I went running. And it was magical. Like fucking magnets (a simile people!) we were back on. I can’t deny the chemistry between us, and I don’t didn’t want to. So I had to break the news to sweet little Ears. he calls the next night and I agree to meet him. While I am waiting for him to arrive so I can break his heart and get back to rekindling the flame, the flame calls:
PB: “Where are you?
Me: I’m at Steve’s
PB: Really? We are on the way there. Be there in 5.
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! <<Grabs purse throws down cash begins to sprint to parking lot>> In parking lot:
Me: Oh heeeeeeeeeeey Ears!
At this point I am fucked so I I just tell him. Look, my ex is coming- its going to be weird. We are getting back together
(this huge space indicates the LONG ASS awkward silence)
Did not go over well. “We don’t have to talk about it.” He just kept saying that over and over. wow. Big surprise mr. “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” wouldn’t communicate with me about it so I finally just said, “Ok, you don’t want to talk about fine. I’m going to get a beer and then I am not coming back.” and I went home with PB
#3. Everything was exactly the same as before with PB. I was at his beck and call. I was being treated like shit and falling hard, again. But he said he wanted to try so I trusted him. But I wasn’t ready, at all.
What happens next is shocking, scary, and still a little fuzzy. Learn from my mistakes and NEVER let this happen to you. So, I am pissed at PB because we have only been back together for 2 weeks and I am already getting the shaft. So I decide to go to a party with a bunch of people I don’t know and get WASTED. (Yeah, that’ll show him: ME = stupid girl). Proceed to get hit on aggressively by strange kid with beard. Try to get a ride home, call PB 48923094 times and he doesn’t answer. Try to drive, realize that I will die and go back inside and pass out on a pull out couch. Wake up next to strange aggressive beard kid at 8 am. fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. my. life.
I immediately grab my keys and peace. and call PB and apologize profusely. He laughs it off and says we’ll talk later. We don’t talk for 4 days. I know something is going down. You know that feeling you get when you know that someone is mad at you but they aren’t saying it. Like a peach pit in your belly.
Long story cut short- someone at the party spread the rumor that me and the strange kid- who i didn’t even know his name, got it on. NOT TRUE! Really get a life people, are your lives so boring that you have to make up stuff about other people? Anyway instead of agonizing over it I realize that PB and I together are toxic to my health anyway and I should have never allowed this to happen. We break up again. Over the phone. Like grown ups. And I think he is stoned at the time too. Nice- the slut and the stoner, we were made for each other.
Haven’t talked to him since, Actually my friend helped me purge and delete all the old #s from my phone so I can’t call him. And email is too lame.
But damnit if I don’t want to call him all day everyday. I wan’t to run to him and beg forgiveness even though I did nothing wrong. Whatever it takes to get him back. I feel like this:
(ummmm so hot. how can a song make you feel guilty first, then hot. don’t get it but I like it.)
In fact after watching this I was inspired to make an entire Dirty/Filthy/Guilty playlist. I think I am just going to embrace the whole experience as exactly that- an experience. I mean, even Maya Angelou says, “Every woman needs a youth she’s content to leave behind…. a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age….” ok so I won’t retell all of it. But for now I will embrace my status as heartbreaker. Even if it is just to mask my own hurt inside. Ugh, whine much? Anyway, I hope you enjoy these songs that to me mean misbehaving:
I just realized that I broke all my own rules. yessssss.
